Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
