1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
