It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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