I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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