I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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