OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
