i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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