When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
