So drunk its hurt
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
