Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
