we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize