the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
