I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize