she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I AM VODKA MAN
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
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