How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
