John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize