i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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