I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
