He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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