a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
