I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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