i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
