I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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