I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
