You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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