Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize