I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im six kinds of drunk right now
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
