I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
