my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
