I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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