batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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