Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
