FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
