I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
