I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
