Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
