It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
