Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
