8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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