As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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