fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
