From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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