if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
