You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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