So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
