The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Houston, we have a blender
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
