I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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