fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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