so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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