Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
