i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
