At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
