I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
