ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
