my mouth tastes like poor choices
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
