Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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