my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize