Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Say something about gay babies.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
