I faked an abortion last night.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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